Crime In The D Severe Weather Forecast

Thursday, April 20 2017

Today’s severe weather may prove a bit difficult to overcome for the common variety street criminal in The D. Weather conditions present may force your worthless ass to consider alternative means of feeding your ever present need to prey on others.

The SPC (Don’t bother trying to figure out that acronym) (As a matter of fact, don’t bother trying to figure out what an acronym is) has predicted an enhanced risk of severe thunderstorms from southeast lower Michigan; that’s you, through northwest Ohio and northeast Indiana.

I know that’s a lot to read, but trust me, it means something.

So what “do it” mean? Unfortunately I’m incapable of putting this to music and adding a bouncing ball for effect, so I’ll just try and do my best with words.

Severe storms; the things that go boom a lot, will be capable of producing damaging winds, hail, and perhaps a tornado or two will be possible across parts of the lower Great Lakes region this afternoon and early evening.

Ok, damaging winds are bad, that means winds could force a tree to fall on your head, which hurts. Hail on the other hand, although not forecast to be damaging, will make life unpleasant for your unprotected head. Wearing a helmet is advised.

Tornados are also bad, they tend to be really big winds that rotate in a circular fashion. The winds inside a tornado could include but are not limited to, cars, cows, houses, the bicycle you just snatched from the 10 year old on Grand River and that baseball bat you used to beat your mother with last night.

It is highly advised not to be anywhere near a tornado should one poke its ugly ass head up…but by all means, do try and take video of a tornado should you find yourself in its immediate vicinity….tornados tend to avoid lakes, rivers and morons filming it with a cell phone. Trust me.

Fleeing from the po-po: Fleeing from the law may also prove difficult today. Slick streets, downed power lines and your inability to drive in a straight line could prove disastrous for the common Detroit street thug.

Being unfamiliar with the vehicle you just jacked could lead to a hospital stay, feeding tubes and a stupid look pasted to your face for eternity.

Death would be sweet mercy, but let’s not ruin a good story ok? The streets will get wet from the wet stuff falling from above. It’s called rain. Driving like a maniac while fleeing from the police could and most likely result in you wrapping said car around a telephone pole or other immovable object.

Striking another car filled with innocents might seem like a good time for you, but it’ll most likely lead to an extra 10-15 years on your sentence, or life if one of them dies.

Scrapping Forecast: Not a good time to be pulling wire today. If you do decide to place your feet in standing water while pulling wires and copper pipes today, thank you.

This has been your Crime In The D Weather Forecast.

Thank you for sounding the words out.

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